Wow---I haven't posted in here forever! I feel like I've suddenly been drawn into the whole Facebook Phenomenon (OH NOES!), plus, when life is good, I tend to post less. :)

We got pounded by snow allllll dayyyy yesterday. 20+ inches of snow all together in Annapolis! It was fun going out in the blizzard last night with Tim and the pups. Pharaoh was NOT a happy camper. He stayed back as far as he could, barely walking. He took to limping maybe 5 minutes into our "walk." I put walk into quotations as the snow was so deep, we weren't really walking. Angel was hopping, as were the humans!



Today it's sunny, but cold. Wish we luck in shoveling out my car!!

I love my job. My favorite aspect of my job is working with the Critical Care instructors. They are all so great, and so smart! I go to the classes, set up the presentations, make sure the RNs get their times approved, etc. I get to sit in on all their meetings, which is really interesting. Our last meeting, they were discussing the test they give the nurses after they complete all the Cr Care courses. As of now, we give them a "core" test (cardio-pulmonary), then the units will add on components relative to what they do. They were discussing adding a neuro component to the core test. Some educators were for it, others against, saying the test is hard enough as it is.

Starting in 2010, our Cr Care courses will include a Day 9 at the Simulation Center! Wooo! Since it's new this year for Cr Care, I've been helping put it together, which means I'll be spending 2 days out of every month over at the Sim Center helping to set up the freaky "patients" and scenarios. We go over cardiac and neuro emergencies with the nurses. FUN! The Sim people are freaky. They talk. They moan. They respond to O2 therapy or IV drugs. Their pupils dilate. Their resp rate falls. EEEEEK!!!!! I have to get used to them, or I'll be passing out during our simulations. lololol!

Home is good too. The pups seem happy. Angel has "claimed" Tim as her human, while Pharaoh has stuck by me. :) In fact, right now, Pharaoh is asleep next to me in the sun (perfect Italian Greyhound behavior), while Angel is still sleeping in the other room (under the covers, of course) with Tim. It's nice and quiet in Annapolis. I don't have to see NYC garbage everywhere. Not being inundated with tourists 24/7 is nice. I mean, seriously, who visits Baltimore?? It's GREAT! I love it!

Life is good. I'm excited for Christmas up in New York, though I'm not excited to be driving up there Christmas Eve. My shopping is done. Just need wrapping paper. Hope everyone else is doing as well as I am! Classes start in February for me, and I'm VERY excited! Nutrition and Human Development--woo! Then I'll just have Microbiology, Anatomy and Physiology I and II, then NURSING SCHOOL! :D

Halloween.

You get to eat candy, dress up like whoever you want to be, and it's usually warm out enough still to enjoy the outdoors. :) Plus, it's always magical...something in the air.

11 MORE DAYS TIL DISNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here I am...living in Maryland, working at Johns Hopkins Hospital. I can honestly say that I am so happy with my life at the moment. :) Tim is wonderful, the dogs are adjusting (though Pharaoh is a work of art, let me tell you...).

I applied to/was accepted at a local community college. I just have to print out my college transcript, and meet with an advisor so I can register for Spring 2010 classes. I plan on taking Human Growth and Development and maaaaybe Microbiology. I only have a handful of pre-reqs to take (Micro, Human Growth and Dev, Nutrition, and Phy and Anatomy I and II). Ideally, I'd like to attend Johns Hopkins School of Nursing, since the campus is LITERALLY across the street from where I work, and Hopkins will pay $15,000/year if I go there. It's still more expensive than U of Maryland (which Hopkins will pay $10,000/year), but I can do a BSN/MSN at Hopkins since I already have a BA, and U of Marland just has a plain ole BSN or a Clinical Nurse Leader, which after talking to a few nurses, doesn't really make a lot of sense to me. Plus, I can get my MSN in Forensic Nursing at Hopkins. Wooo! Crime + Nursing = :)

Obviously this is me looking far off into the future, but I suppose it's good to have a plan. :)

In other news, I saw Up the other night. Oh man. SO GOOD. I cried, I laughed, I "awwww"-ed, it was magnificent! Such a deep movie in the guise of a children's story.

Today was my first "official" day @ Hopkins. It's the typical orientation stuff, but it's fun! I'm really excited about this job. I have a feeling it will lead to bigger and better things for me. :D

Onnnne thing I'm a little nervous about. A friend and I had planned a trip to DISNEY WORLD (yay!) the first week of December for almost an entire week. We had planned this and bought the plane/hotel/park tickets a few months ago, before I even interviewed @ JH. So here's the thing...I can't really cancel the trip, since I already bought all the tickets, and I reaaaally want to go, BUT I am just starting this job! I need to bring this up to my new boss as soon as I meet her (prob on Wed), but how should I go about doing this? I don't want them thinking I'm a slacker or anything. And SERIOUSLY?!? I NEVER, EVER take vacations. EVER. I can't even remember the last one I went on! Usually I just count the time I moved out to California randomly for a year, but I mean, if you move there, is it still vacation?

Any pointers? How do I bring this up? Obviously I won't get paid for it (no time accrued), and usually workers have a 90 day probation period for new employees (no time off). Ugh. Help, guys!

WORLD SERIES, BABY!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!

I dropped Tim off at the airport yesterday afternoon. I miss him already. So quiet here without him. Not like he's a loud guy or anything, but just having me and the 2 doggies in this big apartment is so weird.

I just moved down here, as you guys know, so I don't know anyone down here yet. I really haven't talked to anyone except for the new dog walker. My day consisted of finding cheap(er) meats for Pharaoh and Angel. I did pick up some things, but it seems as though their diet will be more expensive down here, unless I can find a cheaper grocery store or some "ethnic" markets or SOMETHING. Or I'll just have to stock up when I visit NY. :)

I've been feeling dizzy today, and I'm not sure why. I've eaten enough food, and I've made sure to drink a LOT of water. Randomly I get dizzy spells...usually from lack of sleep or lack of water, but yea, I totally got enough sleep, so I'm not sure what's wrong. I have a slight headache too. :/

I start work in 2 days. I really wish Tim was around for my first week of work. It's going to be tough doing all this on my own. It can't be helped...Tim booked this trip months ago (maybe even before). It's just the timing of it all.

I'm frustrated! Is it coming through in my words?! lol I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Party Monster, and now American Beauty. I'm not used to having so much time on my hands. No friends, no boyfriend, no job...this is all so WEIRD!!!!!!

I just want to fast forward to a week from now. Tim will be back, I'll have been working for a week, and then LIFE CAN BEGIN. It's funny how we always are waiting for life to begin. Life was supposed to begin when I graduated high school, then when I started college, then when I moved back to NYC, THEN when I graduated from college, THEN THEN THEN...it's like we are never actually living our lives. I always wanted to write a memoir, but.......I'm almost 30, and I sometimes feel as though I've already lived my life. Everything fun and exciting and crazy has already happened. I'm contradicting myself, I know, but life is just so weird.

Do you ever feel like the "good ole days" are all behind you?

Sometimes, sometimes not. I feel bored and dissatisfied with my life. I know it's only temporary, but I guess I'm impatient, and I feel as though I've been waiting so loooooooong. Last time I felt satisfied with my life was when I was moving down to DC. I felt like I had a real purpose, like I KNEW what I was doing, like I was on the right track. Ever since then, I've felt slightly off center. Not really sure WHAT I need to do next, you know?

Sooooo, yea. Here I am. I hope I like work. I want to go back to school so I can work with the dying. Want to start studying again, so I can use my brain. Life can be so dull when you are brain dead.

Tim and I carved a pumpkin and roasted the pumpkin seeds. YUM. We took pics, here is one:



It's a horrible picture of me, but I don't care! I think it's cute. :D

So, yea...here I am, down in Maryland!! This week I've been waking up around 11am, and just kind of bumming around. It's been glorious! Work starts Monday (eeek!!), and I'm nervous and excited and anxious and all sorts of things.

The dogs are settling in nicely. I axed the litter box. Felt like the timing was right, and the dogs have been doing very well! No accidents! I'm going to hire a dog walker for them, but they are great with going out 4 times a day (once in the am, once around noon/1pm, once when Tim gets home (4ish), then again at night for their long walk).

I do miss my friends in Queens, especially at night when I am walking the dogs, but all in all, it was a smooth move. I'll be back in NY to finish clearing out my apt in Queens probably next week or so.

:D

Skelly was snuggling with his buddies just 2 days before he died. Thanks to Richard for taking him in to see the vet. Enjoy kitty heaven, little man, with all the petting and things to sit on!!

I'm excited to be packing and all that jazz, but here is what I'd LOVE to do today:

Go home, walk the puppies in a park so I can see the colorful leaves, hang out with my amazing boyfriend, watch the Yankees, drink pumpkin beer, and bake an apple pie.

YUM!

I GOT THE JOB AT JOHNS HOPKINS!!! I can't even type! lol

Soooooooooooooooo exciting/nervewrecking! They offered me 2 positions, and I chose the one in Grants. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I have to give my 2 weeks notice to MSKCC.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Holy crap! I'm moving to Maryland!!!

I saw some asshole selling pit puppies that are WAY too young to be sold just a moment ago on 125th. He had 2 little puppies, just barely walking, on leashes, walking on the nasty sidewalk. He also had an adult pit wearing a fucking muzzle on a chain leash.

Hey asshole! Almost every dog at the ASPCA/CACC is a pit bull! WE DON'T NEED MORE! Pits are abused/bred/euthanized at such a high rate in this city, it makes me sick that someone would want to produce EVEN MORE unwanted, badly bred dogs. And guess what? If the adult dog needs to be muzzled, THEN SHE SHOULDN'T BE BRED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! Pits are NEVER supposed to be human aggressive, ass.

This isn't the first time I've seen pits in similar conditions up here. I've seen other losers walking around with pit puppies trying to sell them (always under the 8-12 weeks they should be). I've seen pits tied up allllllllllllllllllllllll day to hydrants/poles. I've seen pits with weights tied around their necks.

This place makes me sick.

I'm not a Starbucks fan, but MAN, I love love love their Pumpkin Spice Latte...AND IT'S BACK!! HOORAY!!

I picked up an apple turnover from the organic market that is out in front of my building to go with my Pumpkin Spice Latte. Mmmm...

I love Autumn <3

YAY---it feels like Fall outside, my favorite season! Man, I've been spending a lot of time sleeping. I often think it's because my natural cycle is to sleep during the day, and be up at night, so my body is constantly trying to get back to that schedule. Why can't I have a "normal" cycle, and be awake when the sun is up??

I had a list of things I wanted to get accomplished today, and I did about half of them. Eh, not so bad.

I'm in the middle of another transformation in my life, and I'm just so anxious to GET ON WITH IT. I'm not renewing my lease whenever the management company feels like sending it out to me. This, of course, means I'm moving. So, back to Sing Sing I go, at least for a few months...pay off my debts, THEN to Maryland. Eep! This has been a long time in the making. I'm excited to go, yet nervous at the same time, which is normal, I know. Plan on being in the Land of Mary by around February.

I applied for a bunch of jobs at Johns Hopkins Hospital today. I think I've ditched the dream of law school for good. There's this piece of me that just can't let go of working with patients. Funny how life happens. I was all set for a life of law in college, then my first job after graduation is in the medical field, and my passions have shifted.

This, of course, means that I have to go back to school (again) and tackle those pre-reqs to nursing school. Chem, Microbiology, Anatomy I and II, and Developmental Psych. I had a horrible experience at Hunter (no one knew ANYTHING there. Waste of time and energy). Maybe I was just spoiled at Fordham...I don't know. But school will have to wait a few more months.

My plan now is to continue working at MSKCC, apply for healthcare jobs in MD, move down to MD, (hopefully) work with a major hospital, get tuition reimbursement, go to school/work for 2 years, completing the pre-reqs, apply to nursing school, get ACCEPTED, quit work (or go on hiatus), and do an accelerated program, becoming a registered nurse in 15 months.

Seems like so much work and time, but I think in the end it'll be worth it. Then I can work nights, and won't have to deal with the sun. :)

I've been under the weather the last week or so...stress/weather changes and SWINE FLU (just kidding on that last part...har har har). I started to lose my voice last night...I was all sex phone operator like, but today, oh mannnnnnnnnnnnnn......

I sound like a crackhead!! TRUE STORY. Like straight up, walking down 125th with a cigarette in my hand looking to score.

My poor throat. Clearly, I need to stop talking. :P

Four years ago today, I began to learn another of life's lessons: Nothing is certain.

I had just came back into the house after picking up some pizza. As soon as I entered the door, my stepdad shouts over to me, "Hey, Mon? There's a Jim...a James...on the phone for you?" I look over at him, and he's holding my cell phone. I laugh, and tell him that Jim is my boyfriend! I snatch the phone away, put it up to my ear, and say, "Hey babe." ...only it wasn't my Jim. It was a voice I didn't recognize. The man on the phone said, "Monica? This is Ken McBride. Jim's father. He's in the hospital."

That was all I heard. It felt like the movies...I could feel my legs getting weak under me. I thought I might fall, so I put the pizza down on the stove, and walked into the next room. My mother could tell by my expression that something was wrong, and she followed me.

I began pacing while I held the phone to my ear. Mr. McBride was telling me that he'd be okay...he had just overheated during training or something. I managed to ask what hospital he was in. I needed to hear his voice. Once I heard him tell me he was okay, THEN I could be okay.

But that wouldn't happen.

I hung up the phone, and my mom was very concerned...."What happened? What's going on?" I told her Jim was in the hospital, and I needed to talk to him. I remembered the name of the hospital, and called...I told them my boyfriend was there, and I needed to talk to him. The woman on the other end told me he was in the ICU. I said, "Fine...connect me." She told me that there are no phones for patients in the ICU, and he couldn't talk to me. At that point, I could feel my emotions taking over me. It was hard to stand. I went to go lay down. The anxiety made me tremble. My body wanted to cry, but I wouldn't let it. I know I would be completely out of control if I let that happen.

My mom got on the phone with the hospital. She left the room I was in to speak with them. I just stayed on the bed...unable to do anything except not completely lose control. My mom came back in, looked at me with fear in her eyes, and said, "Come on. We have to go."

I stood up, and the 2 of us went out to the car. She told me later that the nurse told her to get me down there ASAP. Jim was in a coma.

The 4.5 hour car ride that night was excruciating. I think I was driving, but I don't remember. We tried listening to music, but the panic and impending grief was thick in the air. The cell phone was in the front cup holder, and I remember pleading with whatever gods there are to NOT make that cell phone ring. I couldn't hear anything at the place I was. No news is good news. My mind wouldn't have been able to survive anymore news for the next few hours.

We finally got to the hospital around 1am on August 10th. A cop brought us up to the floor where Jim's mom and dad were waiting. The room was empty. His mom was saying things that sounded promising. He had moved his foot. Movement was good at this point. The doctor had taken him for a test, but as soon as he was back, I could go see him.

We waited. My anxiety was slowly subsiding. I was here. We were here. I waited.

Finally, I was walked down a corridor, and led into a room where only nurses and doctors could gain entry. They told me usually only next of kin was allowed in. Because he was a cop, they let in my mom, his parents, and me, all at the same time.

As I floated into the room, I looked around. The patients were all arranged in a circle, with a nurse's station in the middle. No walls...only curtains separated patients. I could see everyone from the middle, where I was walking. I tried to find Jim...to see who we were walking towards, but I couldn't find him. I couldn't feel him at all. I saw sleeping patients, maybe others who were in comas. Lots of machines, I saw once woman who was awake in her bed. I looked at her, but I don't think she saw me.

Abruptly, we stopped. I looked up to the patient we had stopped in front of. I didn't recognize him. His hair was all over the place, he looked extremely pale, and had tubes in his nose, and tape wrapped under his nostrils and over his ears. He was wearing a hospital gown, and had a catheter in his neck. So many tubes. Too many. Everything was so white in the room. His hair looked too dark.

His mom went right over to him, and began to touch him. I was still standing in the walkway. I didn't want to walk in. I wanted to turn around, and run, and go back to earlier today, when everything was fine, and I was going to pick up the pizza. I had just come back from an amazing weekend with the man I loved. We had been looking at apartments, and shopping, and eating, and watching American Psycho. I was supposed to be going to work tomorrow. Living my life. This was all FAKE.

But I didn't run. I couldn't. Where could I have gone to? I walked forward, still standing as far away as I could. My mom encouraged me to touch him, to talk to him. She said people in comas can still hear. I went over to this thing they were calling Jim, and I touched his hand. I pulled away. He was cold. "He's too cold," I said aloud. His mom told me it was probably from all the saline they had given him. I wasn't so sure. I bent over, and tussled his hair. Jim made no movement. I wanted him to open his eyes...to smile...but he didn't. He stayed exactly how he was.

I looked back at my mom, my eyes pleading for help. I didn't know what to do. My presence hadn't woken him up. THIS WASN'T HIM! Where was he?? I wanted to see him!

I looked back at this body, and the only thing I could think of to say, I did...."This is what you get for stopping drinking Diet Coke." My mom just looked at me, and I told her that Jim, who was a Diet Coke fiend, just like me, had stopped drinking it completely so he could be in better shape for his bike training. It was awkward. I wanted to leave. I was exhausted. I told my mom I was ready to go.

She told me later, that at that point, her heart had sank. She knew by my reaction that he was dead. I wasn't thinking that clearly just yet. All I knew was that Jim WAS NOT HERE. Why had they taken me here anyway? I didn't understand.

The next morning, I got a phone call. I needed to come to the hospital. A cop was coming to get me. It was one of two things: Either he was better, or he was dead. I feared it was the latter. I was trembling, anxious, on the verge of SOMETHING...either a complete break with reality or tears or nothing. I couldn't tell.

The cop came, and was driving very fast. He put his lights on. He was driving around the traffic. We were silent the entire way there.

When we got up to the hospital floor...the same floor that had been empty except for Jim's parents, my mom, and I, I found it to be packed. Cops were everywhere. I could barely walk, but as soon as they looked at me, they stopped talking, and floated out of my way. I was in a daze. I was led to a small room I hadn't noticed the hours before. The doors opened, and Jim's dad was standing there. He looked at me, grabbed me in a bear hug, and started crying. I didn't react. He was just saying, "They did all they could do." What was he trying to say? I couldn't understand. As my mind was blank, trying to process the scene, my body started to react. I hugged him back, and started sobbing. I couldn't control myself. My mom let me be for a bit, then held me, crying herself. She led me to a chair in that little room. I saw now that Jim's mom and some one else was there too, though I can't remember. I think it was another officer. I spoke, "What happened? I thought he was doing better. What happened?" I don't remember hearing a response. I saw someone else come in, and she sat on the floor in front of Jim's dad. I heard her say "organ donation." I yelled out, interrupting her..."NO! No no no no....no, I can't.....I just can't......" My mom led me away.

I don't remember who asked me or what happened, but I was in that same hallway. We were in front of those doors that only the nurses and doctors could enter. My mom said to someone..."This is his fiance. She needs to see him. Open these doors." I never said I needed to see him...at least, I don't think I did. The doors opened, and this time, when I walked in that circular room, all I saw was Jim. I got next to him some how...I don't remember walking...he looked better today. Not as many tubes or machines. I don't remember him having tubes in his hand anymore. The catheter was gone, only a cut remained. I held his hand longer now. I was still waiting for him to grab me back, but he never did. I concentrated on him, trying to use my mind to force open his eyes, to get his hand to hold my hand back. I wasn't strong enough. I wanted to kiss him...maybe that would work...but I couldn't. He still had a tube down his throat. I wanted to take it all off...if what they had told me in that little room was right, he didn't need it anymore, and I needed to kiss him. I kissed his forehead instead.

It still didn't seem like him. The real Jim always held me hand back. The real Jim always looked me in the eye, and smiled back at me. The real Jim hated when I'd mess up his hair. This "Jim" did nothing. My mom went to lead me away, but I stopped. I reached down to Jim, and picked up the sheet that was covering his body. The real Jim had bruises on his hips from his gun belt. My heart sank as I looked. This fake Jim had the same bruises.

The rest of that day, and the rest of those weeks are still a blur. I was assigned a cop to look after me. I glanced at Jim's open coffin from the balcony in the church. I couldn't get any closer, for fear I would lose my mind. All I remember was his hair looked too dark to be next to that white satin pillow.

I fucking miss him. I still find myself talking to him, asking him for guidance, like I did when he was alive. Sometimes I yell at him, tell him I hate him for leaving me. I call him selfish, an asshole...then I feel guilty, and apologize. Tell him I miss him, and ask him to come visit me.

It's been 4 years. Four long, short, amazing, awful, crazy, boring years. Some days I forget when his eyes looked like, or how his kiss felt. Some days I can still feel him touching me, or gently teasing me. I miss his voice. I miss touching him. Four years, and I still am in love with him.

I've stopped grieving on a daily basis. I've stopped grieving on a weekly basis. I still have my moments of anger or of despair, but I'm doing okay. I miss him, and I love him, but I'm doing my best to continue living my life here. For whatever reason, this anniversary has hit me hard, but I am lucky enough to have a man in my life who is supportive and amazing and loves me. He lets me cry. He lets me talk about Jim. He listens to me, and is there for me. This is hard, but he makes it a tiny bit easier for me.

Doing my best to look ahead, while at the same time, acknowledging my emotions about the past.